Written by Jeffery Rosenbaum, Ph.D.
Change is inevitable. Sometimes it’s planned; sometimes it’s unexpected. Nothing stays the same. Managing change is a continual challenge for parents. What’s the best way to support your children when things change?
Day to day changes are the most predictable and can usually be anticipated, so they allow for the most advance notice and preparation. Whether it’s a change in plans, school starting, a trip or vacation, or a change in routine, it’s best to let children know in advance so they have time to get used to the change.
It may seem that children don’t need to know in advance when the changes are small. But children, like everyone else, are used to routines and they become unsettled and anxious when these routines change. If they are not given advance notice and they find out just before the change occurs, they will generally become anxious and they may often respond with defiance and tantrums.
Letting them know in advance gives them the opportunity to understand what is changing and to ask questions. It’s important for parents to acknowledge their concerns and not to talk them into feeling good about the changes. They will eventually get used to the changes, but it will take them some time to adjust. Acknowledging and accepting their concerns and answering their questions truthfully will help them to adjust more quickly!
Some changes, however, are much more complicated and will have long term impacts on their lives. Moving to a new house or city, a divorce or a new marriage, the birth of a sibling, and/or the illness or death of a family member, friend, or pet are major changes for children. Some can be anticipated while some are sudden and can’t be planned or prepared for. Each situation requires a different approach. Children can usually sense when something is changing. They may not understand what is changing but they can sense when their parents start acting differently. The sooner they know what is changing, the sooner they will be able to adjust.
Conversations about changes can sometimes be difficult especially when they involve major life situations. It can be helpful to have a short conversation initially to present the change and then to follow it up with additional conversations where questions can be asked and answered. Adjusting to change is a process and it can take a while for children to understand and get used to what is changing. Take their concerns seriously, and let them know what will change and what will stay the same. Accept their feelings and let them know yours. Let them be as involved as possible in the planning for what is to come. This way you will be working together as a family.