The holiday season is upon us, and for many it’s a time for family and friends to gather, give thanks, reflect on what’s most important, and celebrate the start of a new year. While these are all good things, holiday gatherings also come with an increased expectation to be social, which can be extremely stressful for an individual with social anxiety. Some of that stress can be attributed to simply being around people, but really, the stress of social anxiety comes from a fear of judgment or criticism from others. Social events can bring up all kinds of worries: What if I don’t know anyone? Will anyone want to talk to me? Will they think I’m boring, weird, awkward, etc.? Do they really want me to attend? Am I dressed appropriately? And many more…
While I don’t have a magic wand to take those worries away, I can offer a few suggestions to help make managing social anxiety through the holidays a little bit easier.
Breathe
Yes, I know. That’s what all therapists say, but we say it because it’s true. The emotion behind anxiety is fear, and when afraid our body has a physiological response whether we’re aware of it or not. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase, hormones release adrenaline and cortisol, our muscles tense, and our breathing can become shallow. Slow, deep breaths send a signal to the brain that you’re safe and can relax. You still may have to manage anxious thoughts, but using the power of your breath to self-regulate can keep the stress and anxiety at a more manageable level.
Watch out for thinking traps
When feeling anxious, it’s easy to get caught up in distorted ways of thinking such as mindreading (assuming you know what someone is thinking) or filtering (focusing on the negative aspects of a situation rather than noticing the positives). If you catch yourself having negative thoughts or feeling discouraged in a social situation then you may be falling into a thinking trap. Use self-talk such as “don’t assume you know what they’re thinking,” “look for what’s going well,” or “I can do hard things” to coach and encourage yourself through it. Asking yourself, “What else could it be?” is another valuable prompt to help manage negative thoughts and get yourself into a more positive mindset.
Prepare for conversations beforehand
If going to an event where you don’t know many people, identify common “get to know you” questions that you can ask to show interest in others. Be sure to prepare your own answers to those questions as well. There’s a good chance the person you’re talking to will direct the question back to you.
If you do know other attendees (even if just acquaintances), think of things you know about them and plan questions or conversation topics related to those things. Don’t forget to consider interests that you have in common as that’s a great starting point for conversation and connection.
Give yourself permission to take a break or leave a little early if needed
These two options can be hard for a person with social anxiety to act on because they worry about offending their host or that other attendees will think they are unfriendly or boring. While these are understandable concerns, they don’t negate these options as viable strategies to help manage social anxiety. There are many reasons for someone to step away from a party for a few minutes or to leave early. Maybe they need to take an important phone call. Maybe they need to use the restroom (TMI??). Maybe they aren’t feeling well, have another social commitment, or need to relieve the babysitter. There is also a strong possibility that attendees are more likely to miss your presence than judge you for stepping away or leaving.
Also, you don’t have to announce that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Upon arrival, locate a bathroom or a quiet space inside or outside where you can take a break if needed. If you think you’ll need to leave early, then prepare to provide a simple reason for leaving. For example, “I need to take care of some things at home before work tomorrow.”
As I wrap up, I want to be clear that I’m not encouraging you to find a way to avoid social events. In fact, using these options means that you have to attend the event and thus face your anxiety. Preparing to manage social anxiety, however, means having a plan if it becomes too overwhelming to continue socializing. If you need to leave, then that’s absolutely okay.
The victory is in the fact that you attended, not in how long you stayed.