One of the most important parts of building an emotionally healthy relationship with kids comes down to how we communicate with them and creating a safe space for communication to happen. A safe space can include a specific location or environment, but that’s not what I’m referring to. In this context, it means being mentally and emotionally present, and ready to engage with your child in a way that he or she feels secure, seen, and heard.
First, let’s identify the message you want to send. Regardless of whether they’re toddlers or teens, you want your kids to always know that they are valued, wanted and loved, and that they can count on you to be there when they need you. This message is certainly conveyed through consistency in your words and actions, but how you express your thoughts and feelings can also influence their ability to receive your message. It also increases the likelihood that they would want to reciprocate.
While the message never changes, how we communicate will vary based on your child’s age and stage of life. Here are tips for establishing a healthy connection via communication based on specific stages of life.
Newborns, Infants, PreK and Kindergarten
1. Use direct eye contact and facial expressions that convey love and acceptance.
2. Avoid parenting out of strong emotion; model self-control and learn to manage your own feelings. They will learn so much from what they see you do.
3. Begin the practice of apologizing when you the parent are wrong.
4. Establish boundaries with follow through. Without follow through, the child can become confused about expectations.
5. Be aware of how much time you are on electronic devices. Technology is here to stay, so establish healthy habits for use of your phone and other devices so that as your children grow, they see responsible use.
6. Teach and model identifying feelings (yours and theirs). Print out a feelings chart with facial expressions. Stick to just a few basic emotions for a young child and add to it as they grow.
Early Elementary to Early Adolescence
1. Continue to teach and label feelings (yours and theirs)
2. Validate feelings (beyond sad, glad and mad); let them know you hear them and recognize how they feel.
3. Offer authentic empathy
4. Back off on direct eye contact, especially with boys. While direct eye contact has its place, especially to convey listening, it can create a barrier to communication with kids at this stage.
5. Instead of praise, ask how they feel about what they’ve accomplished
6. Continue to monitor your own technology use but go beyond modeling and have conversations about how and when to use devices.
7. If you do allow access to devices with internet and social media, write up a contract with clear expectations. Outline parameters, behavior, and consequences that reinforce responsibility and mature decision making on their part.
Adolescence to Young Adult
1. Allow and enforce natural outcomes that create a problem for the teen; this builds resiliency. If they never do anything hard, they will struggle when hard happens.
2. Avoid using tech when in conflict with teen; talk in person.
3. Familiarize yourself with technology and social media if you aren’t already. Determine boundaries and expectations for use, but also remember that it can be a great way to connect with your teen or young adult.
4. When is best time for teen to talk? Provide those opportunities.
5. Learn about your kid’s interests and find ways to support them as they explore and grow. If you are able, participate in their interests with them.
6. Recognize the importance of friends and create space in your home for your kid’s friends to hang out.
7. Ask yourself…Is it time to be a guide? Do they still need to be parented as they approach adulthood?
Regardless of your child’s age, learn to listen well. Minimize distractions. Listen to learn and be curious- not to fix, scold, punish or judge. Use reflective listening “what I hear you saying is…” to ensure you understand what they are trying to communicate before you respond with your own thoughts and ideas. Use “I feel” statements rather than “you always” or “you never” statements which tends to trigger defensiveness. For example: “I feel frustrated when I ask you to help with dinner preparation and you complain about the chore; I would like you to please be helpful as we prepare dinner for our family.” Finally, use this guide for all communication; whether in person, on a phone or video call, or written messaging: “Is what I am about to say: 1) kind, 2) true, 3) direct, or 4) necessary?”