Grief Post Holidays and Beyond

Dear reader,

My name is Dr. Samantha Martinez. I often work to connect with individuals who have experienced loss and trauma. During our work together, we discuss ways to foster remembrance and steps to help them move forward. Thus, today I am writing with those individuals in mind.

The holiday season presents a unique emotional dichotomy, marked by the simultaneous experience of joy and grief. For many, this season brings connection and celebration, but for those grieving the loss of a loved one, it can also serve as a poignant reminder of absence. This juxtaposition, the happiness of the present, and the sadness of what’s been lost, can become emotionally exhausting. Interestingly, this duality stems from the individual’s capacity to hold conflicting emotions simultaneously. On the one hand, traditions and gatherings may evoke comfort and belonging. On the other hand, however, they underscore the void left by their loved one, heightening feelings of sadness. Navigating these emotions can require significant cognitive and emotional energy as the mind attempts to reconcile the disparity between external festivities and internal sorrow. Societal expectation to feel cheerful during the holidays can exacerbate the emotional toll, and this pressure may lead individuals to suppress their grief, creating an internal dissonance that compounds a person’s exhaustion. Alternatively, leaning into the grief, while valid and necessary, can make engaging in the joy and connection at the moment challenging.

If you experienced this dichotomy over the holidays, you may also be able to attest that its impact can linger well past the holiday season. Moving forward, it is crucial that you aim to adopt self-compassion and acceptance. Allowing space for both emotions without judgment (this can be really hard) can help foster emotional resilience. In moments like these, I find that the Grief Box Theory can help you move toward acceptance and understanding of what you might be experiencing. So, close your eyes. Wait, this is a blog. Read first, then close your eyes.

Here’s how the Grief Box Theory works. Take a moment and imagine your grief as a big box. Now, inside that box is a ball, and a button is on the inside edge of the box. When you first experience the box, the ball inside is HUGE, as it nearly takes up the entire space. As it rolls around inside the box, the ball constantly hits the button on the inside edge. This button is your pain trigger; each time it hits the button, it results in a feeling of deep sorrow. As time goes on, the ball may shrink some in size, but it will never go away. Still, the ball lies in the box and unpredictably hits the pain button, which results again in a feeling of deep sorrow. During the holidays, the ball seems to grow again, and memories, traditions, or even simple holiday songs can make the ball hit the button more frequently. For many, the instinct is to hide away when this happens, to withdraw, suppress the pain, and wait for the season to pass. It can feel like the safest option when grief becomes overwhelming. However, isolation tends to only deepen our sorrow, and the more we try to avoid the pain, the more persistent it can become.

So, how do we honor our grief while staying connected during the holidays and beyond? Finding a balance between giving yourself space to feel and connecting with others can help you move forward with grief, even if you never truly move on. Here are some ways to do that:

  1. Take Reflective Walks: Step outside, breathe in the crisp winter (or here in Charlotte, somewhat warm) air, and allow yourself to reflect. Movement helps clear the mind, and nature offers quiet comfort. While walking, you can also call someone who provides comfort or allows your thoughts to flow without judgment.
  2. Set Boundaries with Love: Permit yourself to say “no” to certain events if they feel too heavy. At the same time, try to say “yes” to moments of connection that feel manageable, even small ones. You can join a gathering for an hour instead of the whole evening or invite a close friend for coffee instead of attending a large party.
  3. Create New Traditions: Sometimes, old traditions can be painful reminders of who’s missing. Consider creating new ones that honor your loved one. Light a candle in their memory, cook their favorite dish, or share stories about them with others.
  4. Find Moments of Balance: Grief is exhausting, and taking breaks is okay. For example, you might spend the morning journaling your feelings and the afternoon with family.
  5. Reach Out for Support: You must not carry your grief alone. Whether you talk to a trusted friend, join a support group, or seek professional help, sharing your experience can lighten the burden.

Remember, moving forward with grief doesn’t mean leaving your loved one behind. It means learning to carry their memory with you in a way that allows for both sorrow and joy. The holidays may never feel the same, and that’s okay. But by giving yourself permission to feel, connect, and find balance, you can create space for healing, one step at a time.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to take one step forward.