Written by Jeffrey Rosenbaum, Ph.D.
Sometimes it’s hard to know why a child is upset. Sometimes it’s hard to know what they are thinking. Often times they won’t tell you and you have to guess. Children often don’t know how to use their words to let you know what they’re thinking or feeling. They may be scared, mad or sad and not know the words for these feelings. They may also be afraid to tell you because they don’t know how you’ll respond. So instead of telling you how they feel, they often will show you that they’re upset through their behavior.
Sleeping problems are a good example. Children who struggle going to bed are often afraid of having nightmares. They don’t want to go to sleep as they’re afraid that a nightmare from a previous night will reoccur. Nightmares can be so scary that children can be afraid to tell you about them. They worry that the dreams will actually come true. So they will struggle going to bed to avoid something that is scaring them.
Similar behavior can be seen when children struggle about going to school. Often times children resist going to school when there is something worrying them there. Children may be having trouble academically, they may be having problems with peers, and/or they may be having separation anxiety. Instead of telling you about these concerns they may say that they don’t want to go to school. From their point of view, not going to school means that they won’t have to face these worries. Staying at home seems safer to them.
There are numerous other situations (e.g., toilet training, social/sports activities, babysitters, doctor/dentist appointments, playdates) in which children refuse to comply. It’s easy to get into power struggles in these situations, but when this happens the real reasons for the behavior do not emerge. In many of these situations the first issue that should be addressed is how they are feeling. It’s important to address their being worried and upset in order to find out why this behavior is occurring. You will then have the opportunity to find out what might really be upsetting them. This will give you the chance to talk with them and address the real problems rather than battling with them over their noncompliance.